Changing Colours

You look at me with uncertainty

You look at me with urgency

You look at me with fear in your eyes

Like you’re about to fall away

But don’t be afraid to change your colours now

I’ve known you’ve all summer

And you’ve rose above it all

I see you hesitate to fall down

But it’s a pretty good view from down here too

And when the wind takes you

It takes me too

When you change colours

I’ll change mine too

Try not to think

And I will try too

When you let go,

I will let go too

Knew you when you were green and small

Like a feather on a wing solo

You know I will miss you when you are gone

But don’t be afraid

If you just can’t hang on…

The cold air is pushing hard on you

I know what you say, I can feel it too

You’ll go through changes,

I’ll go through them too…

Yet another random tangent about how music affects me. We can thank this week’s tangent to the wonderful, ever-talented Josh Groban and his cover (?) of ‘Changing Colours.’ Obviously, the lyrics are above; the bolded and underlined are the ones that make me catch myself and stop to think. It seems that it’s a song of comfort, and words cannot describe how much I need that song of comfort right now. As I’ve mentioned several times previously, I’m absolutely terrified about what’s going to happen within the next two months (OMG, exactly that on my birthday…). But with this song, as silly as it may sound, I can imagine someone in my corner, rooting for me. I can imagine a boyfriend/friend just sitting me down and saying, ‘Look, I know you’re scared and unsure about things, but that’s ok. You’re allowed to struggle and fall, so long as you don’t take it too hard and you pick yourself up after. I’ll be with you every step of the way; that’s what I’m here for – to be your calm through the storm.’ I also think this song accurately describes the normal progression of life: starting timid and shy, but then letting go and changing colours, making leaps and bounds to become a new, better person. Like I said, I know it sounds silly, but sometimes I really do need those stupidly vivid pictures like this that come with certain songs. Cases in point: ‘Edge of Desire,’ ‘Never Think,’ ‘Nicest Thing,’ and ‘Wheel.’ 

I’ve already started having to mentally prepare myself for what is going to end up happening on Friday. I can honestly say that I have NO fucking idea what’s going to happen, other than my being an emotional wreck. I don’t know that I’ll be able to say goodbye to Dulla, Toni, the kids, and the boys (with one in particular). I’ve been with these guys for four months, practically every day – I just don’t feel that I can properly walk away from something like that. These people have become my family, my rock away from home, and knowing that I have to leave them with no certainty that I’ll ever see them again (despite how much I want to), is just heart-wrenching. I got lucky last summer when I was here the first time, as I kept in touch and made a decent enough impression for them to want me to come back, but there was once again that fear that that goodbye would be the end. They’ve all been so instrumental in who I’ve become as a person, that I can’t bring myself to say goodbye! I don’t want it to seem like I won’t try and keep in contact with them, ‘cause God knows I do, I love these guys with my whole heart, I just don’t know the likelihood of that happening; everyone’s lives continue on. The same can be said for the few vols that have weaseled their ways into my life as well (you know who you are!) – there is a very low chance, unless we bust ass and MAKE it happen, that we’ll be nothing more than really awesome Facebook buddies. This is me being pessimistic, obviously, ‘cause I’m only going to get as much out of it as I put in, but while on the having-to-say-goodbye-and-losing-friends track, I’m just going to roll with it.

There’s one guy in particular that I’m so confused about saying goodbye to – we kind of had a fling (if you can even really call it that) while I’ve been here. Like, it’s been nice and fun while it’s lasted, but what do you say to end that? Knowing that there won’t ever be anything more? And with my trains of thought as they are, I don’t even know how genuine he is/was about the whole thing! Alright, I’m going to sound like an uber-bitch when I say this, but it’s kind of true: sometimes with the guys here, and the relationships that may or may not occur, there is an ulterior motive at work. I’d like to HOPE that said guy wouldn’t do something like that and that he’s genuinely interested in me, but there’s always that little niggling feeling at the back of my head. I can’t honestly say that I want to continue anything long-distance, especially what with all the shit I have to deal with when I go back to the States – reverse culture shock, more goodbyes (harder ones!), and getting ready for PC. Sorry, buddy, but you just won’t be my priority. But how does one get that across in a nice way while saying goodbye all at once? Sometimes I feel like I just want to ignore the whole problem and hope that it’ll all just go away, but I know it won’t and that’s probably the worst possible thing I could do… I’ve never had to do this before and I feel that no matter what I’m do I’ll be doing the wrong thing and botch it all completely.

Words cannot describe how much I love every single one of you and cannot wait to see your smiling, beautiful faces when I get home. Pay attention to that last entry so we make sure to see each other before Kyrgyzstan!

<3