15 February 2011

Goodbye world, hello real life. Ew.

WARNING: This post might seem a bit incoherent, but at least consider it a post, will you? :p

So, before I left Africa, Rasmus stole my flashdrive so that he could load it up with a ton of awesome Reggae music. I am now the proud owner of tunes by such gods as Morgan Heritage and Richie Spice, among others. But, the one that has really meant the most to me and has made me the most homesick for Jambiani is the track that Shakira did for the World Cup this year: affectionately known as ‘The Waka Waka Song.’ Words cannot express how much this song hits me. Honestly, the moment it comes on, I get the most vivid picture of it coming on at that ill-fated, yet wildly momentous Full Moon Party and just jumping up and down to the chorus with all of those beautiful people who were with me. It is one of the best memories I have and rethinking about it not only comforts me, but it breaks my heart as well. It wouldn’t be that bad, I don’t think, if I weren’t so close to heading back to the States after so flipping long away from home, you know? Obviously excited about going home and seeing all of my friends and family, but at the same time, I’ve LEFT my new friends and family back in Jambiani. I’m *so* not ready to go back to America. My brain just isn’t in it anymore.

It sounds incredibly melodramatic, but I feel as if I’ve left a giant chunk, if not the entire thing, of my heart in Africa. Toni and I had one of our wonderful heart-to-hearts before I left and we both agreed that once you spend a large amount of time on the continent, you’re pretty much there forever. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that some day (inshaallah) I will be back there doing something. It’s in my blood. The kids, people, environment, and way of life get under your skin. As much as they all help you to become a ‘better person,’ or whatever the fuck you want to consider yourself after having done something like this, they have such a hold on you once you leave. Seriously. My little Mwinyi and Babou are too precious to me; I can only imagine what it’s going to be like when I go back and see them once they’ve ‘grown up.’ This whole concept of having your heart in one place and your head/body in another is incredibly off-putting; does that mean that I’m not going to be able to fully delve into the Peace Corps? Will I be able to learn Kyrgyz while my brain is still thinking in Swahili? I know that once I get there and I find my feet I’ll be totally fine, but it’s the pre-departure time when your brain overanalyzes everything and hypes you past the point of sanity.

I know, I know
When I compliment her, she won’t believe me
It’s so, it’s so
Sad to think that she don’t see what I see
But every time she asks me:
‘Do I look ok?’
I say:

When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
‘Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
‘Cause, girl, you’re amazing
Just the way you are
You know, you know, you know
I’d never ask you to change
If perfect’s what you’re searchin’ for
Then just stay the same

I think I should make a habit of posting songs that seem to influence me, as I do it so bloody often. Haha. This one’s ‘Just the Way You Are’ by… good ol’ Bruno Mars. [Although, I’ll be honest, I got hooked on it after I saw it in Glee – the one episode this season that has made me sob uncontrollably. Good GOD, Chris Colfer is amazing and Kurt/Blaine are the only reason why I continue to watch this shit show. Like, I'm so not even kidding. The kid is brilliant and I want to be his best friend]. I’m sure that by me posting these lyrics, everyone is like ‘Oh, great, another girl with self-esteem issues…’ Well, yep, I have ‘em; have for quite a while, but I’m workin’ on it. And silly songs like these are the little baby steps that I’m taking in order to fully ‘find’ myself. And it’s also the hopeless romantic in me that’s holding out for the person who can say/sing this type of thing to me. Conversely, this could also be a shout-out to all of the amazing people who have constantly said this type of thing to me and had me ignore them. As much as I don’t seem like I believe you, it means the absolute world to me that you say this to me. Keep going; it’ll get through my thick skull eventually. I don’t think I could’ve done this all without you.

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