26 December 2010

Pole sana for the emo-fest to follow...

A few things have been on my mind quite a bit lately. One of which is the notion of people back home forgetting about me while I’ve been over here. [Yep, you can definitely thank Mr John Mayer for this little emo-fest. Culprit: Edge of Desire and the line, ‘There, I just said it: I’m scared you’ll forget about me…’] There are a select few who tell it (that they miss me and want me to come home) to me often, but I sometimes wonder about their sincerity. It’s not as if I doubt it, I just wonder if they’re saying it to make me feel better, since I obviously AM missing them, or if they genuinely mean it. Like, do they randomly think about me, who I’m with, or what I’m doing? Do they get random flashes throughout the day of stupid shit that we’ve done that reminds them of me or see things and think ‘Aw, Sarah…’? ‘Cause I know that happens to me every so often, like I mentioned in the previous entry. I don’t mean to come off as selfish, honestly, I don’t. You guys know me, unless I’m on stage, I do not like exorbitant amounts of attention. (Sometimes you wouldn’t think that about me, would you?) I’m just genuinely curious about what it’s like on the other end of the spectrum when people are gone.

I feel as if my life is at a standstill, where I’ve diverged from ‘the path’ we’ve all started on over the past few years, and everyone else has just barreled right passed me, leaving me in the dust. Part of me thinks that when I go back, they’ll be so far ahead and I’ll frantically try and catch up, but then not quite make it before heading off to Kyrgyzstan. And I know that peoples’ lives naturally progress and I can’t ask them to put their whole entire lives on hold while I figure my shit out, I just feel ostracized and alone because of it. And when you’re already thousands of miles away from everything you know, being pushed further is never a fun thought.

Sometimes I feel that some of the relationships and friendships I have in my life right now are so incredibly one-sided. I try so hard to keep in contact and touch and interested and yet there’s hardly anything in return. Is it because they don’t care? Or they have more important things to do? Or they’ve honestly forgotten that I’m no longer an immediate part of their lives? Or is it because they’re scared/nervous/intimidated/unsure that I’m doing something different with my life; going against the ‘normal’ path of life after finishing uni? If the last one is the case, isn’t that something you’d want to actively try and keep track of? Learn about it as much as you can, be excited for that person and try and come to the point in your own life where you’re as comfortable or enjoying exactly what you’re doing. I don’t know, maybe that’s the idealist/hippie in me, but I just feel like we all should be learning from each other and feeding off experiences of others and yourself, to try and become the best person possible. If there’s something that I’m doing that you want to do, DO IT! Life is too short for you to just continue on placating yourself in order to do the ‘right’ thing all the time. If you want to go geek out at Hobbiton in Matamata, New Zealand ‘cause you’re a huge LOTR fan – GO! If you want to volunteer in a small African village with a bunch of gorgeous, precocious children – DO IT. What’s stopping you?

Toni and I had a discussion about this the other day, in terms of readjusting to everything and knowing how to interact with people. She thought that one of the reasons why she got into so many quarrels with her friends when she last visited home was because their priorities were no longer the same. They all had ‘grown up’ in the sense that they had aged, but they were all obsessed with completely different things: the friends are infatuated about the swanky car, spoiling the kids, making the most money at your job even if you hate it, etc. Whereas Toni, having lived in Africa for two years now, thinks about things that her friends could care less about – footballs for the kids on the beach, markers and coloured pencils, how ridiculous it is to spend £60 on a pair of shoes. Is this making any sense?

I really do love and miss those people I’ve left at home with my whole heart. I’m enjoying what I’m doing here, but obviously still wondering about life back home. Does that mean that I’m weird or too attached and haven’t been able to let go as quickly?

On a seriously more silly, light-hearted note, I am DYING wanting to know what’s going on with Fringe. My friend Ben gave me up to episode four of season three off of his hard drive (of which I only have two more ‘new’ episodes to watch!), but everyone else is now waiting for number 10, which isn’t until JANUARY! Four days before my birthday, to be exact. I would normally be alright with this fact – as I really can deal with the lack of pop culture/TV/whatever – but this season is getting SO GOOD. And my recent rediscovery of Tumblr as shown me what happened in episode 9. Oh. My. God. Are you havin’ a giraffe?! That conversation happens and I’ve missed it? Poor Peter and Olivia! And there are rumors that there may not be a fourth season? Yeah, not ok with that. Why do I always catch on to the good stuff when it’s on the brink of no longer existing? Sigh. Well done, me.

And how was Matt Smith in his first ever Doctor Who Christmas Special? Did he deliver? Were Rory and Amy in it? Aw, how was Michael Gambon as Scrooge?! I SO wish that I didn’t have to wait until February to see it. Haha. Oh well, I’ll get over it (hopefully). I guess I’ll just have to listen to Eleven’s Theme on iTunes over and over to suffice until then. ;)

Well, that was enough of a geek fest for you all, I’m sure. I apologize for that, I just had to get it out, even though I don’t know any of you that even know what the hell I’m talking about. Haha. Here’s me hoping that all of you had the very best Christmases – what swanky stuff did you get? – and missing you oodles!

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