So, the other morning, after being 'stood up' for my training session with one of the local guys (I'm biking with one of the lads every morning to a - stay in shape and b - train for Kili if that's what Mom and I decide to finally do), I started writing in my journal and this is what came out:
Pretty much had a mental breakdown last night (6 Oct). I was checking my email when I saw one from the Peace Corps. I opened it, of course, and not to sound melodramatic, but my heart literally stopped and my life has since changed. They've already decided where they want to place me: Kyrgyzstan, teaching secondary level English. Oh, and I would leave on or around 25 March, 2011. Do you realize how flipping soon that is?! It might be October now, but that basically means that once Mom and I are finished with whatever we're doing at the end of Jan - whether it's climbing Kili or going to visit Kathryn and friends in Sydney and NZ - I have less than a month and a half to legit say goodbye to everyone (friends, family, etc.) and to pack up my life for three years. I mean, I figured this day would come, but actually having it become a reality and to see so much of my life in such a short span of two lines of text... It's fucking mental, man. I feel like Melina: I'm not 100% sure that I'm ready for this (even though I'll more than likely accept the invitation and say yes), plus who says 'Oh, no thanks!' to the Peace Corps?! You just don't do it.
I called Mom just sobbing and I've gotta say that she took it like a champ. It canNOT be easy to hear your child freak out that much and learn that she's going to be so far, in the middle of nowhere, for so long. But then again, she's always been like that; she's always put Mike and me above herself and always been supportive and stuck with us through thick and thin.
I am so fucking confused and frustrated about the whole thing. Peace Corps has given me SEVEN DAYS to make this life-altering decision. Are you having a laugh?! I can barely decide what I want to cover in my lesson plans for my students today! It's not as if I'm unhappy that they've let me in or that they've placed me so quickly, it's how impersonal and nonchalant the invitation seemed to be; how easily they just cast away 2.5 years of my life and how they didn't think much of it. I don't know. I have a LOT of soul-searching to do in the next four or five days. I really, really wish that I could talk to certain people about this face-to-face and just panic/sob and talk it out with them before deciding. Being in paradise/Africa is really not conducive to the discussion and making of life-changing choices.
With something like this looming over me, it really makes me want to say forget the hardships of climbing Kili (although if I don't do it in Jan, I do want to do it eventually!) and go have the chance to see Kathryn one more time before I have to settle down in a rural, Soviet-esque village for almost 27 months.
Thoughts, anyone? I could really do with some discussion. I know at the end of the day it's pretty much wholly my decision, but I'd like to get your thoughts...
Oh, on a more positive note: Zanzi is lovely. Today's definitely a lay in the sun with a book and do nothing day. And it couldn't be nicer or more well-needed. All of that will change with the coming of a new week and all of the kids and lesson work we have to do. Fun, eh? :)
Miss you all.